The other night every thing came swarming back to me. The memories of what things used to be like and for a moment in time i wanted so badly to be part of that again. For what though? to be living a lie and constantly wondering if i did something wrong then would i be cast out and ignored again? I don’t miss any of you, i miss being part of something. Whether it be your family or it be your church, but screw that idea. What was i thinking? that i could give up everything i love and give up the way i live my life? and for what, so we can sit around playing happy families living off each others success. No thank you, I’m happy where i am. Yeah sure, i suck sometimes and I’ve screwed up a lot more than i should of but I’m me and I’m in a surrounding where people allow me to be who i want.

I’m tired of comparing my life to every one else’s. I’m tired of trying to please everyone when i should be concentrating on the closest to me, i shouldn’t be worrying about anyone else. If you’re with me, then you’re with me and if you’re not then quite frankly it’s not my loss. It’s yours.

I’m happy lately and i feel like I’m getting things together. I have finally made my decision about university and i think it is the right one for me. I haven’t been selfish about thinking what to do, I’ve been worrying and thinking about everyone else. Scared in case i lose what’s important to me, but then i started to think about what i wanted and what was good for me. I’ve booked all my driving lessons, so hopefully being able to drive will give me that bit of independence i want. In my last month of college, I’m going to look for a full time job and free lance. If all else fails then off to university i go next year, at least i know i can get in to the universities i want which gives me that confidence. I don’t think I’m ready to leave yet, i want to experience a bit of the real world. I don’t want to just go to university and end up like every other uni kid, drunk every night of the week and living off loose change. Perhaps that makes me boring, but i don’t feel like I’ve seen any of the world yet, i haven’t traveled and explored. I don’t think I’ve experienced what it is to work and support myself and i know after university i might not have that chance.